Monday, December 28, 2009

I guess I can admit I get VERY personal on here, I guess it is a catch 22. I don't care, then I'll be like "whoa lol" .

Well I am 18 now, I know I am not "grown". But I am working two jobs, paying my own rent, and full time college student at an university. I always imagined myself to be a child forever. Literally, I never imagined myself graduating highschool let alone turning 18. 17 is truely an amazing age!

December 27, 2009 was a phenomenal day. It only sucked because I kept on thinking about how my mother and brother are leaving in the morning. And now I find myself trying to avoid sleep to only see my brother longer. Sooo many emotions. Being so far from life in California can get depressing. I have just got to stay in constant prayer and stay focused.

BTW hope my great grandparents had an AMAZING anniversary up there in Heaven.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Rob A Loo Boo Boo

There's been no sun in the shun.


Friday, November 20, 2009

To have the reminder creep up on me random moments that I am not of this world is my pain. I do not know the world that I am of. Existence alone can be a lot to swallow. I exist, will I be depressed about it or will I rejoice. I will rejoice only if I exist on the terms of existence I choose. Is being full of joy truly bliss? Or is it just the contentment of current situations. I find joy in knowing God is taking care of me on this world, allowing me to eventually reach the life I would love experience while here. I am not of this world, so I prefer to not let these world experiences affect me. But because I am in this world, that is not always something I can control. I pray for the perfect Heaven, of what experiences I could never fathom and only be more than thankful for. For that is what my being lingers for the most.

It hurts so much when trying to cross the parallel and realize you can't just yet.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Its about time I've come out of my funk and bring forth a more positive vibe.

I do not necessarily take the associative term woman as an identifier for me well, yet although I may prefer to still be declared a child. It isn't possible. The temporary worries I may have time to time are those not of a child, sometimes. Because friendships and feelings don't flee upon adulthood.

I am merging into this COMPLETELY new life at a fast but gradual pace. It was not my choice to be born the first time, and not my choice this time. But I've got to make do.

I ask for no praise for my epiphany, yet I praise my Lord and saviour for his abundance in my life. And ask for two-way patience and understanding as I continue to grow in life.

1. In school 2. Employed 3. Own Place

To some that may be amazing but for me I'm still on the first step of the ladder. I can climb off as easy as getting on. All in all I'm still waiting to meet my world.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

What's left to believe in?

God. I'm done trying to make sense of these messages. I just need to listen.

I have lost trust in the last human being I've been able to trust on this universe. The plan to isolate me will fail. Yet how can I put trust in the one who gives in. Our last breaths of the night may be share, but now that is all. To Gods will I will regret these feelings later, then again we are forbidden to regret.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I did not ask to be a bastard child. I did not ask to be in this world because two idiots wanted a good fck, that probably wasn't even that good. I did not ask to be a fcking product of revenge. So that's it right, I am suppossed to be cursed because of three fcking idiots. I did not ask for your philosophy on life, because guess what I was born with my own. I do not give a fck if you had to struggle, that does not mean I am suppossed to. This is MY life, why would I want to be a repeat of yours?! Your fcked up mistakes will NOT ruin my life, I promise you. If that was meant I should have fcking died in the womb. My journey is unwritten, so stop comparing my steps to yours. You are not right, no one is. You don't understand me? You think you understand me? Oh well good for you.

I'm just going to give you all my love, even if I feel there is nothing but a dash in there today.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Sending Letters to God

I've figured it out !

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I never seen myself living to atleast highschool graduation. I graduated about four months ago.

I don't see my life much further down the road. We'll see.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


I feel as if I am trapped in this dark confined space curled up, gun in mouth, hand on trigger. Chamber is loaded yet, unaware as to whether or not I am going to be shooting blanks or not. I have felt this way for quite a while.

No one can save me. But he can.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

This deserves a post.

The past few nights while here in Las Cruces. I have been having akward dreams, nothing too pleasurable.

Well my dream last night was weird again, I can't even word its content. BUT as the scenes and plots changed I found myself back in the exact room I fell asleep in. For me this is abnormal because in my dreams people are who they are but they aren't, and the same goes for places and things.

First I felt the weird feeling to wake up although I was deep into my dream. Then a cat then leaped into the open window with dawn's breeze. I must have ingorned it with the first glance and tried to daze back away. But then all of a sudden I had the urge, this fear to leave the room. I screamed for my sister to get up and I headed out the door into the hall way. Then I heard my sister screaming as if she was being tortured. A cry for dear life. I yelled back to her. Finally my aunt came upstairs and assured me there was nothing there. I didn't realize completly until I put on my glasses. I then had to think if the cat was that I saw was clear as it would be with glasses, because then for sure I would be dreaming, but now I cannot remember. And whenever I think about I can't remember if my dreams are ever clear. We stayed up for the remainder of the morning because my sister could not go back to sleep, and here I am about five hours later.

My sister believes differently, but I know this was not just a nightmare.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Numb is what I feel, yet through numbness I always manage to still feel pressure and irritation.

"This year has been so busy!" Many words uttered from family members, including myself. "Its not going to slow down." Through it all I feel a stronger bond than ever before. Could it be the souls of those so dear that left before us ecamping around us? I know it is. I continue this prayer for the Lord to encamp his angels around us, but never did I just think it was my own kin protecting us. I did not think, but I have always known... I am full of faith that our loved ones departures will cause us to grow closer, let us gain a little bit of them in us to continue on. I read a cousin's comment say something about how Goldie and DeeDee brought the spirit in our family, I must admit that is true. We now must continue on with the spirit and build it to be stronger than before. After we find comfort in our Heavenly Father, we can find comfort in one another. Like I mentioned I believe my family's bond has been stronger than before, and this strength we have obtained has come from no other than in God, that is why it cannot be broken. No matter what tricks the enemy pulls from beneath his sleeves. We can be that living testimony of a family powered through love of our father, that is what we will be. I guess this life will continue to be busy, it will not slow down because this family has too much bonding to do and no time or space for weakening.

I will never forget the loving smile you shared with our family, or the love period. You have touched us all, and for that will continue on with you right there along with us. We are praying for you, and please pray for us to stay binded and strong. I love you very much. Please enjoy this eternal life you have finally gained, Live.
Love you Goldie Williams.

Monday, August 31, 2009


The sky is falling?

Will you enter the lottery?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

How many times have you found yourself going crazy?

I just don't have words. Accept my apologies.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Baby's Are Here !

I am so joyful and thankful !

I love them !

Sunday, July 19, 2009

This Journey

The Lord chose my fate before time.

That alone gives me a sense of peace with every step made.

Monday, July 6, 2009


" Don't care. "

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I lost my mind a long time ago.

Its in God's palms.

I don't think I deserve it just yet.

I hope my descendants see this.

What is the objective in these blogs? If the motherboard crashes, don't all these blogs collected along the years crash too? There are journals kept from hundreds of years ago, along with the original handwriting. But this blog isn't even feasible.

Well if those specs from my bloodline do see this maybe this entry could get them into my mind just a little. Well atleast the mind I obtain today.

I hate relationships. That is because I cherish the ones I have too much. And in my mind when they are gone, oh how completely gone they can be. I quitely question how true the strength and stability is. I admit that is wrong, but sometimes things are too good to be true. Oh how I want to live, but oh how I do not care for people being in my life long periods of times. Only those selected few. We never know the thoughts of those near. What is expressed verbally and physically is never what is truely the intentions of one. It could all be a hoax, or not even enough to express the masses. All feelings are temporary. Disagree? No thin line between love and hate? You haven't experienced any situations where you've felt the total opposite towards a person compared to what you felt earlier? Oh well, we all view this world totally differently.

Allow me to jump to a matter on my mind, yes I must. These are feelings I have felt recently. Hope, faith, disappointment, unappreciated, rejected, careless, low, high, love, pitty, caring, joy, unappreciated, misused, etc...

Over a week ago I found myself calling my father while in Ventura with no way to hold my tears. Prior to the call I felt as if I had been bombarded with negative attitudes, walked all over I suppose. I know I am not a victim, just felt like it and my daddy is the only person I can vent to without criticizing my feelings. Everyone had short or big attitudes that went on and off and I couldn't handle it. My mother, sister, friends...whatever whoever. Whether it wasn't meant to rebuttle on me or it was, I know I got the short end of the stick. I hate it.

Whatever I do not even want to talk about that anymore. I am sorry.

I just can not deal with humanity anymore, how the freak am I suppossed to do that when I still need to figure myself out?

I do not even want answers from no one because my life is not like yours so you can not answer ANY questions that persue to me.

To Be Continued...
(maybe, doubt it.)

I never actually read the book.

Yesterday afternoon my sister Me'Lisa and I went to see the film "My Sister's Keeper." It was a memorable film. I must have cried about three times. My sister loved the movie but "never wants to see it again" because it is so sad. This film will be a must in my collection. What these characters go through is so real. The film is full of memories, I must admit my sister and I noticed some mixed up things. BUT the film is SO worth seeing. I suggest matinee or the student discount. I wouldn't be suprised if I went to see this in theaters again.

Friday, June 26, 2009

=) lovely

"Running" is GOOD.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

These Trying Times

Personal Lives.

Lives seen by those eyes.

How are we suppossed to feel about that haunter out with all of his crew? Its a fest for the grim reaper.

Ed, Farrah, Michael, and many more daily deaths that aren't pubilicized.

What about the fact that North Korea is threatening to wipe out America, complete genocide.

How could they hate us so much, well our ancestors have done some sick things to their people.

Sadly, we have personified evil. Dispute that point?

It gets worse before it gets better, have we experienced the worse?
Some may think it hasn't hit home quite yet.


Don't be clueless, there is a clear path of where we need to go, what we need to do.

Black Iced Heart

Well more like helium and plastic.

Last night's seminar was cool, I don't think it touched as deeply as last years. Maybe because the first session was nearly identical. But sometimes these messages need to be redundant in our lives.

The breakout session for me was dealing with finacial leadership. Tonight is spiritual leadership.

*I don't want to get my hopes up, but I sure enough will build my faith up.
Makes Sense Right?!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Two Ha's.

Costa Mesa Rave, I was SUPER amped.
BUT I have this leadership seminar to attend at church, that I totally forgot about. How ironic !

Well guess which one I will be attending ?!

These pictures are publicly displayed on photobucket, so why now preview some on my blog.

*KeKe,Darian,Mommy,Myself,Me'Lisa, (Ms. Idell's Back) | graduation

*Saba,Cheyenne,Myself,Johnnae | graduation

*Andre, Shaneal, Myself | after graduation

*Joseph, Myself | Babyshower/Family Gathering (Before getting wasted photo)

*DeAundrea, Shaneal, Me'Lisa, Myself | Babyshower (I'm already gone)

*Chris, Myself, Jerri(Nisha) | Babyshower (GONE)

*Brian's Girlfriend, Brian, Andre', Myself, Donald, Pam, etc.. | Babyshower IDK

*Where's Waldo? I was there just too short to reach in ! | Babyshower

*Andre', Myself | Babyshower and just got back from the movies GOODBYES

*Myself | Beach Getaway Weekend

*Myself | Beach (NOT MY TRASH)

*Valecia's Children | Beach / Bike Ride


*Andre, Myself | Room's Balcony


*Myself | Beach

*Bestfriends | Beach

*My Family waiting on Jose. (WE'RE BEAUTIFUL!) | Jose's Graduation

*Nigel, Joseph, Myself, Andre' | Jose's Graduation

I looked so BUSTED in all the pics. OH WELL. HAHA.
Summer 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009


"I wish I was a little bit taller."

While I was a little girl my nickname was Midget, that is because I was a 40 year old in a 2 year old body.

A little shorty.

Then I began to grow tall.

*In the third grade Me'Lisa told me I better stop growing or she was going to beat me up. Funny how I've out grown her.

Then finally I was taller than everyone for the longest.

I have been 5'4 1/2 since the freaking 8th grade !

People that haven't seen me in amounts of time propose how much I've grown and I am always like "nah."

For a long time I thought I was 5'7, until 3 visits to the nurse resulting in the same height shut me up.

I was always on a balance beam on whether I wanted to grow or not, but now I want to grow taller SO BAD. I don't care if I am surrounded around 5 foot even people and under.

gravity stay the hxll away from me.


Truth Is

I graduated.
Did not even recieve my AA or AS.

I feel so invaluable. Like I ain't shxt.

I love my mother, but I can not stand to live with her another moment.

I do NOT want to go to Georgia. (You never know Bri, you may love it there)SHUSH!

What sucks is that I feel I have graduated out of those relationships too, and I don't give a FCK.

*I know my previous posts degraded women and foul language...IM A HYPOCRITE it haunts me.

I love colors on the green and blue palettes.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Yuppp those tall axs white men in the background was in my crew (Joe's Graduation)
Well what a freaking week !

Now PMS gets to shine. FM

Happy Father's Day

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Friday, June 12, 2009

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I am done.

Um LMSO?!?

I don't even remember this (back in Jan)

I could look so freaking DUMB being wasted. LOL ugh!

Okay with the family the whole weekend this week, starting THURSDAY.