Sunday, May 31, 2009

Push another breath out. Choking sensation wont burn much longer. Don't mind me I am not insane, inane maybe. I just happen to be extremely utterly pessimistic lately. I think I pushed the limit of self discovery, and realized nothing would satisfy because of this dxmned world. Hmmm faintly, I remember something.

Kings of Leon playlist now.

This little light.

Oh so little.

As my world is darkening, becoming more compact. This soul panicing anxiously pushing out of my THICK skin, oh how strong it is.

I was born quite claustrophobic.

The pain compels my being, defiance growing into a tantrum. Voiceless I can not speak with words but let my emotions speak for me. Tears streaming burning sensation for knowing what is learned to be ignored and just dealing with what is given is NOT enough.

I'm going to clutch on this with faith believing it is true. Close my eyes and endure, because this faintess should keep me secure.

When you pass by or just come across pictures of yourself that have grew old in time, what questions or thoughts come to mind?

-Wow I was pretty?
-Wow I was funny looking.
-Where'd that person go?
-Who have I become?
-Is that same person in me?
-How grandly have I changed?
-Was that person better?
-Do I miss being that person?
-Thank God for guiding and protecting me.

Tell Me, this blog has comments.


I must admit, sometimes it angers me when I don't have something completely to myself. Something I know, an interest, anything. Actually it really pisses me off. Although there are a few things that are the most important I do not mind sharing; my testimony and my closest imitation of the Lord's love.

But back to the matter.

It's something I loathe but always eventually learn to deal with.
Why can't I just have something, a handful of things completely utterlessly to myself.

I guess its my only ways to snap back into reality, and remind me that I am apart of this society.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


I am only human.
grounds to be self destructive.

my poor soul feels like she has been imprisoned, impatient. I am apologetic.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

As a child I would have hmmmmm what should I call this... outer body experiences?

I would sit alone and try to understand how I was me. I am me, this body is mine, huh?

How am I in this body?
Who am I? What am I?

Today I don't understand how I did that, but I prayed those feelings and confusion away. Without a doubt I don't even understand where I was coming from anymore.

Sadly, I do remember it was quite painful.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Questioning Existence.

I found myself in that familiar state of mind again. I am not suicidal, I am just anxious to meet this mysterious universe, my mistake, Heaven. Why would God place me on this medocre parrallel, of all places why Earth? Where we are fools to fantasize. I desperately yearn to combine my fantasy with reality and I blur out any judgements. Makes me delusional? I assume it does. Oh well, I hate being on an Earth so limited. But with God, I am not. Life is full of possiblity. But my possibility falls back in the line of 'fantasy'. I would love to take flight not being limited to the humans capabilities. Then as I realize, I am overwhelmed in my own subdued tears. I hate REAL, not saying I admire FAKE. I just hate that it is limited. Then I am reminded by the sweet but faint voice that this is not where I will spend my eternity. Call it the lobby? Heaven is where I am trying to get. Please Lord don't let me down. Let me be able to consume that as my destiny oh Lord. Let me do as much work here to actually deserve that place beyond my imagination, and you know my imagination is beyond. Hmmmm.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I must have left my soul in a past era. Along with love. I can not get to personal with this blog, I won't but man. You have no idea of the emotions I exhibit.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

cleaning my mirror, my self-image hasn't been that clear.

I am trying to understand this broken heart concept? I'll just stick to calling it a naive heart, I have my reasons.