I guess I can admit I get VERY personal on here, I guess it is a catch 22. I don't care, then I'll be like "whoa lol" .

Well I am 18 now, I know I am not "grown". But I am working two jobs, paying my own rent, and full time college student at an university. I always imagined myself to be a child forever. Literally, I never imagined myself graduating highschool let alone turning 18. 17 is truely an amazing age!

December 27, 2009 was a phenomenal day. It only sucked because I kept on thinking about how my mother and brother are leaving in the morning. And now I find myself trying to avoid sleep to only see my brother longer. Sooo many emotions. Being so far from life in California can get depressing. I have just got to stay in constant prayer and stay focused.

BTW hope my great grandparents had an AMAZING anniversary up there in Heaven.

Rob A Loo Boo Boo

There's been no sun in the shun.

WHERE ARE YOU!

To have the reminder creep up on me random moments that I am not of this world is my pain. I do not know the world that I am of. Existence alone can be a lot to swallow. I exist, will I be depressed about it or will I rejoice. I will rejoice only if I exist on the terms of existence I choose. Is being full of joy truly bliss? Or is it just the contentment of current situations. I find joy in knowing God is taking care of me on this world, allowing me to eventually reach the life I would love experience while here. I am not of this world, so I prefer to not let these world experiences affect me. But because I am in this world, that is not always something I can control. I pray for the perfect Heaven, of what experiences I could never fathom and only be more than thankful for. For that is what my being lingers for the most.

It hurts so much when trying to cross the parallel and realize you can't just yet.

Its about time I've come out of my funk and bring forth a more positive vibe.

I do not necessarily take the associative term woman as an identifier for me well, yet although I may prefer to still be declared a child. It isn't possible. The temporary worries I may have time to time are those not of a child, sometimes. Because friendships and feelings don't flee upon adulthood.

I am merging into this COMPLETELY new life at a fast but gradual pace. It was not my choice to be born the first time, and not my choice this time. But I've got to make do.

I ask for no praise for my epiphany, yet I praise my Lord and saviour for his abundance in my life. And ask for two-way patience and understanding as I continue to grow in life.

1. In school 2. Employed 3. Own Place

To some that may be amazing but for me I'm still on the first step of the ladder. I can climb off as easy as getting on. All in all I'm still waiting to meet my world.

What's left to believe in?

God. I'm done trying to make sense of these messages. I just need to listen.

I have lost trust in the last human being I've been able to trust on this universe. The plan to isolate me will fail. Yet how can I put trust in the one who gives in. Our last breaths of the night may be share, but now that is all. To Gods will I will regret these feelings later, then again we are forbidden to regret.

Goodnight.

STFU!

I did not ask to be a bastard child. I did not ask to be in this world because two idiots wanted a good fck, that probably wasn't even that good. I did not ask to be a fcking product of revenge. So that's it right, I am suppossed to be cursed because of three fcking idiots. I did not ask for your philosophy on life, because guess what I was born with my own. I do not give a fck if you had to struggle, that does not mean I am suppossed to. This is MY life, why would I want to be a repeat of yours?! Your fcked up mistakes will NOT ruin my life, I promise you. If that was meant I should have fcking died in the womb. My journey is unwritten, so stop comparing my steps to yours. You are not right, no one is. You don't understand me? You think you understand me? Oh well good for you.

Still...
I'm just going to give you all my love, even if I feel there is nothing but a dash in there today.

Sending Letters to God

I've figured it out !

Unknown

I never seen myself living to atleast highschool graduation. I graduated about four months ago.

I don't see my life much further down the road. We'll see.

Now

I feel as if I am trapped in this dark confined space curled up, gun in mouth, hand on trigger. Chamber is loaded yet, unaware as to whether or not I am going to be shooting blanks or not. I have felt this way for quite a while.

No one can save me. But he can.

This deserves a post.

The past few nights while here in Las Cruces. I have been having akward dreams, nothing too pleasurable.

Well my dream last night was weird again, I can't even word its content. BUT as the scenes and plots changed I found myself back in the exact room I fell asleep in. For me this is abnormal because in my dreams people are who they are but they aren't, and the same goes for places and things.

First I felt the weird feeling to wake up although I was deep into my dream. Then a cat then leaped into the open window with dawn's breeze. I must have ingorned it with the first glance and tried to daze back away. But then all of a sudden I had the urge, this fear to leave the room. I screamed for my sister to get up and I headed out the door into the hall way. Then I heard my sister screaming as if she was being tortured. A cry for dear life. I yelled back to her. Finally my aunt came upstairs and assured me there was nothing there. I didn't realize completly until I put on my glasses. I then had to think if the cat was that I saw was clear as it would be with glasses, because then for sure I would be dreaming, but now I cannot remember. And whenever I think about I can't remember if my dreams are ever clear. We stayed up for the remainder of the morning because my sister could not go back to sleep, and here I am about five hours later.

My sister believes differently, but I know this was not just a nightmare.

They re-posted it.

Numb is what I feel, yet through numbness I always manage to still feel pressure and irritation.

"This year has been so busy!" Many words uttered from family members, including myself. "Its not going to slow down." Through it all I feel a stronger bond than ever before. Could it be the souls of those so dear that left before us ecamping around us? I know it is. I continue this prayer for the Lord to encamp his angels around us, but never did I just think it was my own kin protecting us. I did not think, but I have always known... I am full of faith that our loved ones departures will cause us to grow closer, let us gain a little bit of them in us to continue on. I read a cousin's comment say something about how Goldie and DeeDee brought the spirit in our family, I must admit that is true. We now must continue on with the spirit and build it to be stronger than before. After we find comfort in our Heavenly Father, we can find comfort in one another. Like I mentioned I believe my family's bond has been stronger than before, and this strength we have obtained has come from no other than in God, that is why it cannot be broken. No matter what tricks the enemy pulls from beneath his sleeves. We can be that living testimony of a family powered through love of our father, that is what we will be. I guess this life will continue to be busy, it will not slow down because this family has too much bonding to do and no time or space for weakening.


I will never forget the loving smile you shared with our family, or the love period. You have touched us all, and for that will continue on with you right there along with us. We are praying for you, and please pray for us to stay binded and strong. I love you very much. Please enjoy this eternal life you have finally gained, Live.
Love you Goldie Williams.

Whhhhhat?

The sky is falling?

Will you enter the lottery?

How many times have you found yourself going crazy?

I just don't have words. Accept my apologies.

hehehe

checkin on izzy

I do miss some.

The Baby's Are Here !

I am so joyful and thankful !

I love them !

This Journey

The Lord chose my fate before time.

That alone gives me a sense of peace with every step made.

Whatever

" Don't care. "