I guess I can admit I get VERY personal on here, I guess it is a catch 22. I don't care, then I'll be like "whoa lol" .

Well I am 18 now, I know I am not "grown". But I am working two jobs, paying my own rent, and full time college student at an university. I always imagined myself to be a child forever. Literally, I never imagined myself graduating highschool let alone turning 18. 17 is truely an amazing age!

December 27, 2009 was a phenomenal day. It only sucked because I kept on thinking about how my mother and brother are leaving in the morning. And now I find myself trying to avoid sleep to only see my brother longer. Sooo many emotions. Being so far from life in California can get depressing. I have just got to stay in constant prayer and stay focused.

BTW hope my great grandparents had an AMAZING anniversary up there in Heaven.

Rob A Loo Boo Boo

There's been no sun in the shun.

WHERE ARE YOU!

To have the reminder creep up on me random moments that I am not of this world is my pain. I do not know the world that I am of. Existence alone can be a lot to swallow. I exist, will I be depressed about it or will I rejoice. I will rejoice only if I exist on the terms of existence I choose. Is being full of joy truly bliss? Or is it just the contentment of current situations. I find joy in knowing God is taking care of me on this world, allowing me to eventually reach the life I would love experience while here. I am not of this world, so I prefer to not let these world experiences affect me. But because I am in this world, that is not always something I can control. I pray for the perfect Heaven, of what experiences I could never fathom and only be more than thankful for. For that is what my being lingers for the most.

It hurts so much when trying to cross the parallel and realize you can't just yet.

Its about time I've come out of my funk and bring forth a more positive vibe.

I do not necessarily take the associative term woman as an identifier for me well, yet although I may prefer to still be declared a child. It isn't possible. The temporary worries I may have time to time are those not of a child, sometimes. Because friendships and feelings don't flee upon adulthood.

I am merging into this COMPLETELY new life at a fast but gradual pace. It was not my choice to be born the first time, and not my choice this time. But I've got to make do.

I ask for no praise for my epiphany, yet I praise my Lord and saviour for his abundance in my life. And ask for two-way patience and understanding as I continue to grow in life.

1. In school 2. Employed 3. Own Place

To some that may be amazing but for me I'm still on the first step of the ladder. I can climb off as easy as getting on. All in all I'm still waiting to meet my world.

What's left to believe in?

God. I'm done trying to make sense of these messages. I just need to listen.

I have lost trust in the last human being I've been able to trust on this universe. The plan to isolate me will fail. Yet how can I put trust in the one who gives in. Our last breaths of the night may be share, but now that is all. To Gods will I will regret these feelings later, then again we are forbidden to regret.

Goodnight.

STFU!

I did not ask to be a bastard child. I did not ask to be in this world because two idiots wanted a good fck, that probably wasn't even that good. I did not ask to be a fcking product of revenge. So that's it right, I am suppossed to be cursed because of three fcking idiots. I did not ask for your philosophy on life, because guess what I was born with my own. I do not give a fck if you had to struggle, that does not mean I am suppossed to. This is MY life, why would I want to be a repeat of yours?! Your fcked up mistakes will NOT ruin my life, I promise you. If that was meant I should have fcking died in the womb. My journey is unwritten, so stop comparing my steps to yours. You are not right, no one is. You don't understand me? You think you understand me? Oh well good for you.

Still...
I'm just going to give you all my love, even if I feel there is nothing but a dash in there today.

Sending Letters to God

I've figured it out !